So, what does God expect of us with our children as far as discipline goes? What does it mean in the Bible that if you, “spare the rod you hate your child”. Does that mean that unless you whack your kid with a stick you hate them?
Consider this from Wikipedia…that in 2004 1/3 of all sheep deaths in the US were caused by predation. Modern methods of combating predators include guns. What would a shepherd have carried with him in Biblical times to combat a predator? He would certainly have carried something! And, that thing would have been for whacking predators…not the sheep… If the “staff” was the shepherd’s hook used for guiding the sheep, then, the rod was for the predators…
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Bondage and slavery is by no means fun. Having to carry a burden or weight is no fun, either. Anyone who has ever been weighed down by a large burden or has been in “bondage” or “slavery” to anything (like a mortgage, or even literal slavery) will no doubt tell you that being set free is a cause of celebration! Having a weight lifted off of you gives you a “sigh of relief”. Having chains removed from your legs would give you reason to dance!
Sin is described as something that enslaves you. “He who sins is a slave to sin”. And, when we are saved out of sin it is said that we have been “set free”. Being set free from sin should be as much of a cause of celebration and bring us as much joy as if we had literally seen the key enter the shackles and seen them drop to the ground off of our ankles!
But, the church has turned it into something of a sad moment. Repentance is thought of as this time when you basically find out what a loser you are and how much you suck and you should be hanging your head in utter shame and remorse. While all of that has its place, yes, the actual setting free from our bondage to the slavery to sin that we are in should give us tears of joy and have us springing to our feet jumping with joy not standing with slumped shoulders hanging our heads to the ground!
Where does this idea come from? Could it be the way we are raised?
Kids who have parents who are swift to discipline them with a spanking do not realize what they are “really doing”. Along with merely suppressing the expression of the child’s inner motivations by stopping them from behaviors, they are making the children “afraid to get caught”. Getting caught means you’re going to get punished. Going to suffer pain.
God designed pain. Pain is an alarm system which is to get us to pull away from stimulus which is (against His design for us) harmful or damaging to us in some way.
Example: You touch a hot stove. That hurts. You pull away. Were you to not have pain in that situation, you would burn your skin and suffer negative consequences. Pain in that situation is your friend. It tells you to avoid the hot stove. Also, jumping from the 2nd story of your house would do more than hurt you. The pain you feel on a 3 foot fall is enough to warn you not to jump out of your 2nd story window. Pain keeps you from hurting yourself.
Pain is something we are to naturally avoid. Spanking is pain. Therefore, once a child has committed an act that he knows will earn him a spanking from his parents, at that point, he is going to do whatever he can “naturally” to avoid pain.
What kinds of things can a child do after violating a rule in order to avoid a spanking?
- Find a way that the act was not their fault.
- Cover up the act.
- Lie
First of all, as a parent, the “why” behind the “rule violation” should be looked into more than that bad behavior itself. But, this is another reason why spanking is not helpful to your child’s development.
For a child striving to avoid the pain of a spanking the thought process of “finding a way the act was not their fault” is not a good place for you to send them. In the future when it is time for them to be dealing with God and repentance, if they cannot accept their own sins they cannot repent. By spanking them you are discouraging honest self-reflection and coming clean with their own heart and sins.
If they try to “cover up the act” this too is a problem for future repentance because how can you come clean with God is you’re accustomed to covering up what you’ve done?
And, obviously, if the child learns to lie in their honest quest to avoid the pain of spanking, this has its own buncha’ problems that go along with that!
It could be argued that the whole reason you spank is so that “next time” whatever bad behavior the child just engaged in will be “given that 2nd thought” and not done and that is the point, that is also one viable result of spanking. For that reason spanking does appear to “work”. But, does God want us to “obey” Him because we’re afraid of hell or because we love Him? A child who obeys out of fear of punishment has been gravely mis-trained.
One evidence of this is that often children are “well-behaved” until they are too old to be spanked anymore. People then think that their teen as just entered into a “typical” (as though it is part of God’s design of teenagers) teenage rebellious period. But, what is actually happening is that the children are simply finally expressing what is on their hearts again now that the fear of the pain of spanking is gone.
Since when our children misbehave and sin they are actually demonstrating their “slavery” or “bondage” to sin, the way we approach them should be likened to bringing a key and unlocking their shackles. It needs to be a shadow of the thing to come with God. Our children should not be afraid to confess their wrongdoings or sins to us because they should be filled with the joy and excitement that in so doing you will help “release them” from their bondage. After a misdeed the child should feel more free, more joy, and more in fellowship with you than they did while engaging in the wrong behavior. Their wrong behavior will be discouraged by the fact that your reaction to it has enabled them to become free from that bondage! Being freed from their bondage to that which held their hearts in slavery which led to their bad behavior is a permanent and true motivator to “good behavior”. And, the good behavior that occurs after that is for real. The good behavior is then not an act or an act of repression of their true hearts, instead it is an expression of their free and clean hearts.
Every time I personally have been “caught doing something bad” by God…it has been a liberating and exciting experience! God doesn’t whack me or cause me pain to teach me; my sins find themselves out and they cause me pain. It should somehow be the same for my own kids! They should feel safe coming to me when they did something wrong.
David says, “Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil, for you are with me; your rod and your staff, they comfort me.”
The Rod that God uses will give His children comfort and strength even when they are facing death! Will the rod “you” as a parent use to strike your children inspire that same comfort and courage in them when they face hard times? Do they look to “your rod” and feel safe or do they feel fear? If your children do not look at your “rod” which you use for spanking the same way David did…then you are not using the rod as God does.
Your rod should inspire love, comfort, and peace in your children. Your rod should be something your children yearn for – not hide from.
Reprogramming your brain after you’ve already been convinced that striking your children and causing them pain is the way to raise godly kids is a difficult task that takes some time to rethink. It is almost unthinkable to most parents to imagine “training” their children without causing them pain (spanking) but remember that it is “the kindness of God which leads us to repentance”. It is the kindness of God which convicts us of sin.
Go therefore, and parent like God…
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What is “respect”?
There are parents who make their children behave certain ways “out of respect” for other adults. There are parents who “swear by” spanking and insist that their children “respect them” for it. There are parents who allow grandparents and other caregivers to spank their children and insist also that the children “respect” those grandparents and caregivers. But, doesn’t any “animal” alter its behavior in the presence of someone or something with the power to hurt it?
Read the definition of respect. Respect is not something you get from someone by overpowering them but by proving yourself to them and that only comes through love and a relationship…
re·spect
/rɪˈspɛkt/ –noun
1. a particular, detail, or point (usually prec. by in ): to differ in some respect.
2. relation or reference: inquiries with respect to a route.
3. esteem for or a sense of the worth or excellence of a person, a personal quality or ability, or something considered as a manifestation of a personal quality or ability: I have great respect for her judgment.
4. deference to a right, privilege, privileged position, or someone or something considered to have certain rights or privileges; proper acceptance or courtesy; acknowledgment: respect for a suspect’s right to counsel; to show respect for the flag; respect for the elderly.
5. the condition of being esteemed or honored: to be held in respect.
6. respects, a formal expression or gesture of greeting, esteem, or friendship: Give my respects to your parents.
7. favor or partiality.
8. Archaic . a consideration.
–verb (used with object)
9. to hold in esteem or honor: I cannot respect a cheat.
10. to show regard or consideration for: to respect someone’s rights.
11. to refrain from intruding upon or interfering with: to respect a person’s privacy.
12. to relate or have reference to.
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The difference between love and threats
In Isaiah it says that “your sins have made a separation between you and your God”…
AND…hell is the “ultimate and final” separation. That’s why it’s hell ’cause God is not there! Right?
The pain and the punishment for our sin is the separation between us and God. The rift or breach in our relationship with Him is the punishment of our sins.
Well…as far as when our kids are bad goes…and how we should handle that…if we are to be like God and parent like He does?
What if you sinned against your spouse…you went out with another person to a motel and had a fling. Then, you get caught…just “imagine” the look in their eye as you faced them. Imagine the hurt in those eyes caused by you and the breach in your relationship at that moment. There’d be this awful “space” between you that you wouldn’t be welcome to cross at that time. That space that you had to cross to enter into a relationship…back before you guys would touch…then you started to touch hands…and moved on to where you’re totally free and comfortable to touch anywhere…At the moment they’d realize you did that to them, they’d turn from you and wouldn’t want you to touch them at all. You wouldn’t be free with them anymore. Your relationship would be severed at that point and no matter how pleasurable your fling with that other person was, the pain you would endure at that moment would be immense!
And, you’d be horrified that your spouse was going to permanently separate themself from you. (divorce)
Imagine then that they’d say to you that, “if you pay $500,000 and receive a public whipping, then I will remain married to you”…what all would that put in your mind? Relief? Or, would that be weird? If they really did that, you might stand back and be like…well…wait a minute…that’s really weird…Could your relationship be “healed” by you suffering the pain of money loss and physical pain? Would that heal the breach in your relationship? Would that matter to you even if “that look” remained in their eye? Or what if they said that if you allowed them to inflict a certain amount of physical pain upon you that THEN they’d remain married to you?
On another hand if that’s what you “had to do” to keep them you would consider it more suffering to lose them than to suffer those penalties. The loss of the relationship would be the worst suffering…the worst penalty for your sin against them.
And, what if…what if you found out in an opposite scenario that there was a law that all adulterers had to pay $500,000 fine and get a public whipping, and you found out that the ONLY REASON that your spouse didn’t “do that other person at the company Christmas party last year” was because of that fine. How that would hurt you to know that they feared that penalty more than they valued your relationship. That the loss of relationship with you was worth less to them than the money and the beating.
I think that’s the problem with “spanking”. And, with “punishing”. The reason our kids should want to behave and want to not be naughty is because they should not want to see “that look” in our eye when we are disappointed by them. That should be what motivates them. They should be pained by the breach in the relationship between us and them when they’re bad. And, in order for that to be their motivation, then we have to have a GOOD relationship with them which means a LOT of time invested.
If their motivation for not being naughty is the fear of the penalty…the fine…the pain…if that’s the only reason they behave…then we have missed the mark…and we should not be pleased at all that they are obedient because they have been taught to be so by spanking…
