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What if kids are afraid of their parents?

(from Dec. 2012 at everythingisknowable.blogspot.com)
 
I was watching some show on ID the other night that featured a little girl who’d been abducted, raped, tortured, and killed…and what happened to this little girl just makes me mad… 

She was 9…and was riding her bike home from school or something… 

A 16-yr old guy saw her passing by on the sidewalk in his neighborhood…and he just happened to be in his yard using the garden hose…and so he just hosed her down. He was not waiting there to stalk her or anything it just happened to work out this way…and he took advantage of it. 

So, she’s just been hosed down by this guy and so…she stopped. She was very upset. Why? Because this very disturbed individual had entered her life and had now targeted her for harm? No! She was upset…because she was afraid to go home with her clothes all wet! She was afraid not of the predator who intended to harm her but of her parents!!!!!

Why would a little girl be afraid of her parents?

Would she be afraid of parents who had established a history of being a source of safety and comfort to her? No!

Would she be afraid of parents who had established a history of causing her pain when she displeased them? YES!

She realized that her parents would be displeased by her wet clothes and this made her afraid of her parents. Even though the wet clothes were not her fault she did not have the trust and confidence in her parents to go home and so instead…she sought refuge in a predator!!!

This is so messed-up it hurts me thinking about it! 

This was the way the guy got the little girl into his house…and out of her clothing…by doing something to her that made her afraid of her parents!!

Do you realize how insanely messed-up this is? This little 9-year old girl was more afraid of her parents finding out she’d gotten her clothes wet…than of going inside a stranger’s house and getting naked!!!!!

What kind of world is this?!

Once she was out of her clothes, he duct-taped her and kept her under his bed (while he went to school and lived his life in general) for 2 days!?!?! And…when he was not busy being a normal 16-year old…he was busy doing awful things to her until she finally just died.

Shouldn’t even just ONE situation like this be all the  evidence we need that punitive parenting… spanking… punishing… doing anything that makes a child afraid of the parent…is WRONG?! 

Sunday Schools and churches all over the US teach that this is the right way to parent!!! God’s way!!!???

Good Lord!

Are your children afraid of you when something about them is displeasing to you?The only way that that could possibly not be a danger to your child would be if you were the most dangerous thing in the world…otherwise…you’d better change something because what if something more dangerous than you comes after your child but is less scary to them than you are? Then what? 

The only thing that your children should fear about you is being apart from you…

Ugh!!!!

Check out 130 reasons not to spank!!!!

Tonight, a lady came to our motel who speaks only Spanish. Although we speak both English and Spanish, in order to communicate with her we had to do what? Speak her language. If you went out onto the street and found an old lady who spoke only Italian and had fallen and couldn’t get up, you’d need to find a translator who spoke what? Italian. Right. That’s pretty much how it is wherever you are, right? In order to effectively communicate with anyone of any age you have to speak their language.

So, what…does a newborn human baby “speak”? What is their “language”? Pretty much, yeah, they have that same thing going on that Chinese does in that one word can mean many things, right? One “waaa” can mean, “I’m cold!” One “waaa” can mean, “I want you to hold me!” and so forth. But, really, the way to communicate with a newborn is not with speech.

Imagine this. You’re the mother of a 6 week old baby and you are going back to work. You hold up a sign with the full written details of how the child’s life is about to change. Will they be able to read it? Will they be “communicated with”? No. Obviously not.

How about you sit them down and fully explain the reasons for this change in their life. Will they receive that communication and understand that? Right.

Try using either technique to communicate to them or “teach” them anything? How effective are either methods with a 1 month old? How about even a 6 month old? Pretty much even on up to 1 year they’re not the best with written or verbal “communication”. Yes, verbally they “understand” a lot, but, not “reallllly”. Right?

OK, so, then WHAT is their language? How do they “receive” communication? How do you teach one who is unable to receive communication through their eyes (blind) and unable to be communicated to audibly (deaf)?

Touch.

Just like Helen Keller. The language our babies speak is “touch”.

It’s actually quite cool. God made it easy to “talk” to them. There is very little they ask and very little they need to know, and therefore very little we need to “communicate” with them.

What are those things that we need to be able to communicate to them?

They need to know that they are loved, safe, and that you are there.

Wow, that is easy isn’t it!? And, you don’t have to be highly educated to do it. Even a totally illiterate “native” who doesn’t even wear clothing, and lives out in the jungle somewhere can speak to their newborn. It’s just an awesome system.

They have needs and they say, “waa” sometimes because they are wet, have pooped, have their diaper half way up their butt crack on one side, have an itch, are too hot, or in some other way uncomfortable and you show up and take care of them or at least try to; in that way they learn that way that they are, “loved, safe, and that you are there.”

And, isn’t that what life is all about with God? Isn’t that what we all yearn for? His “presence”? We yearn to know that we are “loved” by Him…that because of that love we are “safe” and that “He is here”!

We all understand also, that heaven will be the eternal unshrouded uninhibited presence of God. We’ll be with Him 24/7! In heaven there will be no doubt that we are, “loved, safe, and that He is there!” Won’t that be awesome!

And, how awesome is it, also, that God chose to call Himself “our Father”. He wrote the Bible and He was the one who designed the marriage relationship and the parent/child relationship to demonstrate to us “Who” He is and how He loves us and relates to us, and inversely how we are to relate to our own children. How awesome is that?!

How cool is it that God made it that our babies come hardwired with a built in language that we can speak to them, too, immediately! We don’t have to wait till they can talk to explain to them that we love them and that they’re safe and that we’re “here” for them. Day one we can communicate to our baby the same thing that for us will be heaven simply by “being there”. Isn’t that awesome!?

In that sense, so little is asked of us as parents. So little. And, yet, it means so much. All we have to “teach” our babies is that they are “loved, safe, and that we are there”.

But, are you getting what I’m going to be getting at yet? Are you sensing where I’m going with this? Same place I always go.

In Isaiah it says that our sin separates us from God. And, separation from God if it endures until we die, ends us up in eternal separation from God which is “hell”. And, somewhere it says that the devil prowls around like a roaring lion looking for someone to devour. Predators, in case you never noticed, usually focus on the young of a herd…especially those who are separated from the herd.

When your baby is set apart or separated from you routinely, what messages do you believe that they are being communicated about their status as being, “loved, safe, and that you are there?”
And, what kind of danger do you think they might actually be in by that “prowling lion”?

When a baby spends half of their day every day, and particularly the scariest part of the day (night time), all alone in another room and cannot feel you and cries out to you and you do not respond to them what is “really” being communicated to them about being, “loved, safe, and that you are there?” Are they learning that they are “loved” by your absence? Are they learning they are “safe” by their solitude? Are they learning that “you are there?” by your absence? What are they really learning?

If the most important person in your life today, say your spouse, told you in a way you understood fully, that they were not there for you, how would that feel and what would that do to your relationship? If all of your attempts to communicate to your spouse and seek their presence went ignored would you feel “loved” by them? And, if they replied to your requests for closeness on a “schedule” of what seemed arbitrary to you (as babies don’t know the difference between 4am and 4pm) how would you feel about your “safety” in the relationship? And, just how might you deal with all this?

What if all of this happened to you with them routinely?

Let’s talk about hell…

What is “hell”? It is a place where God isn’t. It is a place where a person goes to be totally separated from God. God still at least communicates with and is able to be reached by the unsaved on earth, but, once hell is a reality for someone, that’s it. That’s the end. They’re alone.

So…what does “sleep training” really teach your child?

A child who needs only to be communicated with by you that they are, “loved, safe, and that you are there”…suffers intensely by God’s design being separated from you. What a baby would then feel is basically “hell”.

Because after a day or many days of this communication by parents to their babyies… the babies end up sleeping, so many praise this way of communicating to babies and say, “it works!” But, they do not understand what happened in order for it to “work”. They do not understand “why” the baby sleeps. It is not because they have learned “to sleep”. They have learned some very different lessons from your communication thru your withdraw of touch and they have done the only thing they could to be able to cope with what you “told” them.

It used to be called “crib death”. Now it’s more politically correct to call it SIDS. But, you don’t find babies dying alone in their sleep in their car seats or when being rocked on a rocking chair or…where babies do not sleep alone in cribs.

Insanity is sometimes described as doing something over and over that doesn’t work. And, maybe I’m the insane one for continuing to try to educate people on this topic and hearing people argue with me that this is somehow just “my opinion”. But, I think the insane part is this modern day “Westernized Culture” despite ALL of the overwhelming evidence as to its devastating consequences…continuing to do what we do to babies and churches teaching classes on how to raise kids this way claiming it is somehow it is “God’s Way”…

“Current”

It shows that the last post on here was May…but don’t think that this information is “old” or that this blog is outdated or forgotten…we just do not want there to be “so much” on this site that it is hard to navigate and so we are attempting to cover all aspects of Ezzo’s program in as few posts as possible. 🙂

Just please note that it is well-documented that every aspect of Gary Ezzo’s program is detrimental to your child, and this is not an “opinion” or “parenting style preference”…Please, if you are considering parenting Ezzo’s way…please look into this site and follow links to other sites and educate yourself before any damage is done.

I’ve seen on pro-Babywise forums people “mocking” Attachment Parenting by mocking that the parents operate by “feelings” and care about the baby’s “feelings” and listen to the baby’s cues based on their “feelings”. Apparently they do not feel (ha ha) that “feelings” are a good way to make judgments or to base interactions within a relationship. They don’t feel that paying attention to the baby’s “feelings” is really a valid thing to do.

Well…in life…if you think about it, everything has to do with what? Logic? Schedules? Structure? No. Everything has to do with feelings. Check it out:

“You” are in a bad mood so you snap at the check-out girl. Snapping at her gives her a bad day at work and she grumbled and growls at the rest of her customers. She goes home and snaps at her husband who in turn snaps at her which makes her more unhappy and when her baby wakes up that night she is very mean to him.

“Bob” finds out his wife is cheating on him. Hurt and angry Bob goes to the bar, gets toasted and drives his car. He gets to an intersection and runs a red light right into an oncoming mini-van.

The problems in these two stories are centered around what? Failed schedules? Bad sleep habits? No. They were all centered around bad feelings.

You “feel” in a bad mood and snap at someone. That makes the person snapped at “feel” bad and in turn pass that “feeling” on to others. The check-out lady goes home and spreads that “feeling” on to her husband who now also “feels” bad and then when her baby awakens and wants love from mom she doesn’t “feel” like it and the baby ends up not “feeling” so good, either.

Bob “feels” hurt by his wife’s infidelity and his overwhelming feelings lead him to so somewhere where he can wallow in those “feelings” which leads him to make decisions which not only hurt other people’s “feelings” but possibly their lives.

Think about it! If a girl “feels” happy about being pregnant does she abort?
If a country’s president “feels” good about another country does he go to war?
If a man “feels” happy and content with life does he go out and rape and murder?
If a person “feels” satisfied with their relationship do they have affairs?
If your child “feels” like you love them do they get depressed and start using drugs?
If a child “feels” like they enjoy school they do their homework and apply themselves to studies.
If a man “feels” angry and full of rage he pulls out a gun and shoots the person who pulls out in front of him on the road.

Do I need to go on?

It’s all about feelings. It really is. It’s not at all about schedules. It’s not at all about sleeping 8 hours straight at night.

Some parents allow their children to spend long periods of time crying-it-out…crying all alone in their cribs in order to “learn to sleep” as though this is a life-skill necessary for their future. But, certainly there are many criminals who sleep a full 8 hours each night who are still criminals. Certainly there are unhappily married couples who sleep all night each night but are still feel unhappy. Certainly there are depressed teenagers who end up committing suicide but were “taught” this skill of sleeping as an infant and even “now” still sleep a full 8 hours uninterrupted each night but are nonetheless feeling depressed.

There is no “skill” to sleeping. One sleeps because they are tired.

Reality is that the only thing that is truly “taught” when a child is “taught to sleep” is that no matter how hard they cry out about whatever it is that’s buggin’ them; no one is coming. Crying out does no good. They can’t change their circumstances in life. Give up. Quit trying. You’re alone and on your own! (Please see the tab at the top on “1st Year” and read about studies done on “Learned Helplessness”)

And, what do you suppose all of those “lessons learned” can lead to in a 2yr old? A young child? A teen? An adult?

Could a child who is “sleep trained” and is consistently ignored when they cry out possibly have trouble with trust? With communication? Could this lead them to have temper tantrums out of the built-up anger inside of not being “listened to”? (aka “terrible two”) What about teenagers? Isn’t their #1 complaint in life that “grown-ups don’t understand me…no one listens to me”? Why would a teenager feel misunderstood and not listened to? And, what about the adult who was sleep-trained to just “deal with things” on their own and go to sleep when they had a need? How well will they communicate with their spouse someday when they desire closeness? If they feel the slightest rejection from their spouse will they continue to “cry out” to them or will they just “suck it up” and “self soothe” and just go to sleep?

Everything in life has to do with feelings and communication. Communicating your desires. Communicating your needs. Communicating everything and dealing with your feelings. That should make teaching our babies how to communicate and how to express and handle their feelings our #1 priority in parenting. Any parental guidance teachings that falls short of teaching proper and effective communication to our children should be abandoned.

All of the world’s problems are caused by bad feelings and miscommunication. Happiness and good times come thru good feelings. You want your child to grow up to be happy and healthy don’t “teach them to sleep”…don’t “teach them that they can’t always have their own way” (and purposely ignore them when they cry out). Respond to your baby every time they cry out to you according to their cry and teach them how to communicate what’s on their minds and hearts effectively and you will ensure that they are not bottling up their sad or angry feelings to come out at a later date possibly all at the same time…possibly never to come up and instead eat your child alive from the inside out the rest of their life.

Think about it. Read thru some of the links on the side as well. There is much data out there to support this. You don’t want to raise an Ezzo baby.

There once was a rich lord, who was in need of a carriage driver. He interviewed several potential drivers asking them all the same question, “The road which leads to my castle has many dangerous areas. On one stretch of that road there is a steep mountain on one side and a sharp drop-off into a canyon on the other side. If you were to be selected to drive my carriage, just how close to that cliff do you think you could get the carriage without going over the edge?”

The first man said timidly, “Well, I am a good driver! I suppose could get your carriage to within 6 feet from the edge!”

The second man said more confidently, “I am an excellent driver! I could get your carriage at least 3 feet from the edge!”

The third man said boldly, “None surpass me in excellence! I am sure I could get the carriage right up to the edge of the road without going over!”

But for all their professed skill, it was the fourth man who was hired
The fourth man had said, “Sir, if you would give me the honor and privilege of driving your carriage, I would stay as far away from the edge of the cliff as possible.”

In the book, “The Ethical Use of Touch in Psychotherapy” by Mick Hunter and Jim Struve they say:
“Cultural norms that discourage touch are neither new nor unique to American culture. The depth of our understanding about the devastating impact of touch deficits is relatively recent, however. The reality that children may actually die from a lack of physical touch is demonstrated by historical events surrounding foundling homes and orphanages. These institutions were developed during the 19th century with the expectation of providing them (orphans) with a better future. 

Throughout the 19th century and the first quarter of the 20th century, however, as many children died as survived this form of institutionalized care.

A German foundling home at the end of the 19th century had a mortality rate exceeding 70% for infants in their first year of life, and a 1915 study of American orphanages revealed death rates for children ranging from 32% to 75% before the end of their 2nd year of life. That same 1915 study reported that child care institutions in Baltimore were estimated to have a mortality rate approaching 90% and that Randall’s Island Hospital in New York had a mortality rate close to 100% that same year.

Foundling homes and orphanages were solidly grounded in the prevailing medical and social norms that dominated European and American cultures during that period, constructs that forbade physical contact of any type between staff and children…”

The time babies in orphanages would spend alone in their cribs would represent one end of the scale as an extreme. The other end of that scale (the opposite extreme) would be a woman (probably a hippie or “native”) who uses a sling to carry her baby, sleeps with her baby, nurses her baby, and never separates herself from her baby at all.

Studies all over the world have shown that babies who are carried on the body and receive high amounts of touch and contact with their mothers and other family members flourish physically (have better immune systems and gain more weight the first year), emotionally (cry less and have reduced stress hormones), and intellectually (have higher IQs).

Then, as we see with the case of the orphanages, the other end of that scale, we have babies that although they receive food and shelter, are kept clean, changed, warm, etc., they sleep alone in cribs and are not rocked and carried and held…end up just dying for no apparent reason. Other babies who do not die are often small (failure to thrive), have emotional issues (anger), have behavioral issues, and have reduced intelligence (lower IQs). (As in studies done on infants in Romanian orphanages)

So, if you are hired by “the Lord” to have the tremendous honor of “driving His carriage” or caring for a baby that He gives you…just how close are you willing to go toward (parent toward) “that cliff”? How close to the “orphanage extreme” end of the scale do you want to go?

If not being touched and held enough is enough to end a child’s life, what of the common modern-culture saying that “if you hold a baby too much you will spoil them”? What of our modern-culture habit of isolating our babies in a nursery away from everyone else all alone? All of that sounds too close to the wrong end of the scale. Sounds to me like holding your baby “too much” might make them healthier all around and might just save their life…
Suggested searches:
Touch deprivation
Somatosensory deprivation
Newborn brain development cortisol effects
The book quoted above has a sample of that entire chapter here:
http://books.google.com.gt/books?id=LXxlsmpqx4oC&pg=PA13&lpg=PA13&dq=foundling+homes+orphanages+death+statistics+touch+deprivation&source=bl&ots=jMVsSZOcdR&sig=HMMRj77n8nPQ0a2_qZDSm3WGLg4&hl=es&ei=dnSlSamEBI_ftgePuInXBA&sa=X&oi=book_result&resnum=5&ct=result#PPA16,M

If you feel sad…who are you…Biblically…supposed to “cry out” to? To God. And, what will He do? He’ll be there, right?

What are you NOT supposed to do when you’re sad? Do the “new age” thing of “looking inside yourself”…right? You’re not to look to yourSELF for comfort, right? Nor, are you to look to “material” things…or to say a “bottle” of beer, true?

What about when you’re scared? Biblically? What are you to do? Who are you to cry out to and what will He do? Will He hear you? Will He care? Will He respond? If you’re afraid, what are you NOT supposed to look to for strength and help?

How about when you’re just feeling lonely? Biblically…who are you to look to? Who are you to “cry out” to? And, what will He do in response?

What about if you need “strength”? What about if you feel “uncomfortable” with your life? What about if you have “pain”? What if you just feel like you need love? WHO are you to cry out to? WHO are you to look to? Biblically…to God, right?

Biblically, are you ever supposed to look to “yourself” for comfort when you’re sad…scared…lonely…weak…uncomfortable or in pain? NO! Looking to ourSELVES is what gets us into…what? TROUBLE. Right.

THEN WHY WHY WHY WHY??? WHY??? DO “Christian” parents…who are instructed to “train up their children IN THE WAY THEY SHOULD GO”…WHY…do they fall for the evil “doctrine” of “self-soothing”…WHY…do we not see that leaving our babies alone to “cry-it-out” only only only teaches them after they realize that they are ALONE…to look “within”…to look “to themselves”…for comfort? Why do we not see how really wrong that whole old-wives-tale we Western Cultures people have been sucked into is?

Christian parents…you need to treat your children like small PEOPLE…people who look to you for guidance in how they should go when they are old…WILL YOUR CHILDREN look outside themselves believing that their comfort will come from an all loving Parent…or do they “self-soothe”…have they been trained that no matter how hard they cry or how long…that no one is coming…that they are…ALONE…and that they must look within themselves for their comfort? That their strength…their comfort…their relief of pain or fear…comes from within…and from whatever material thing they have control over (blanket, pillow, bottle)…

They are not “just babies” they are small people who WILL NOT FORGET the lessons they learn in their cribs…

Science has learned that the human brain is a “relational” organ that prospers in healthy relation with others…and it withers and dies in solitude…Romans 1 says that everything that’s made reveals to us how God is…The whole concept of “self-soothing” is Biblically wrong…and biologically hazardous…please…please…if you are a new or future parent…think about this…and follow your God-given instincts and biology and respond to that little person when they cry out to you…and someday after they have full confidence in your presence…you can pass that “baton” on to God…and they will fully trust Him because you trained them up in that way that they should go…

If I knew that looking out into my future that every time “it was dark” and I was “at my most vulnerable and defenseless”…that…I would be “on my own”…that God would leave me to handle whatever came my way on my own…that if I was uncomfortable, in pain, scared, or just craving His presence, that if I cried out to Him that He would NOT come…to “teach me how to handle things w/out Him”…I’d not even want to go into my future I’d want to die because it would be terrifying. I’d never want to take any chances…all I’d want to do “is sleep”…

To think that I might cry out to Him for whatever reason and He’d ignore me? Isn’t that what manna was all about to teach us to never think we can do it on our own? How do we teach that to our kids before they can speak? How do we teach our kids even from day one to NEVER lean on their own understanding…never to depend on themselves to always look outside themselves and specifically to God…And, how do we show them that no matter what that God IS there?

I believe our current culture of “independent” people who do not look to God testifies to what this popular teaching in the last 50 years has done to our entire culture. That to leave our children to cry and not attend to “teach them to be independent” does just that. It them leads them to look “inside themselves” as the only source of constancy and safety…the only one they can truly trust…which is one of the biggest things that’s led people away from God in the USA…the foundation of “New Age Thinking”…

FAR from “Growing Kids God’s Way”…this is “Growing Kids Away From God”…

What is “RAD” and how do your kids get it?

Attachment Disorder Symptoms

• Superficially engaging & charming
• Lack of eye contact on parents terms
• Indiscriminately affectionate with strangers
• Not affectionate on Parents’ terms (not cuddly)
• Destructive to self, others and material things (accident prone)
• Cruelty to animals
• Lying about the obvious (crazy lying)
• Stealing
• No impulse controls (frequently acts hyperactive)
• Pacing
• Learning Lags
• Lack of cause and effect thinking
• Lack of conscience
• Abnormal eating patterns
• Poor peer relationships
• Preoccupation with fire
• Preoccupation with blood & gore
• Persistent nonsense questions & chatter
• Inappropriately demanding & clingy
• Abnormal speech patterns
• Triangulation of adults
• False allegations of abuse
• Presumptive entitlement issues
• Parents appear hostile and angry

Causes of RAD
Any of the following conditions occurring to a child during the first 36 months of life puts them at risk:

• Unwanted pregnancy
• Pre-birth exposure to trauma, drugs or alcohol
• Abuse (physical, emotional, sexual)
• Neglect (not answering the baby’s cries for help)
• Separation from primary caregiver
• On-going pain such as colic, hernia or many ear infections
• Changing day cares or using providers who don’t do bonding
• Moms with chronic depression
• Several moves or placements (foster care, failed adoptions)
• Caring for baby on a timed schedule or other self-centered parenting