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Archive for the ‘Attachment’ Category

Tonight, a lady came to our motel who speaks only Spanish. Although we speak both English and Spanish, in order to communicate with her we had to do what? Speak her language. If you went out onto the street and found an old lady who spoke only Italian and had fallen and couldn’t get up, you’d need to find a translator who spoke what? Italian. Right. That’s pretty much how it is wherever you are, right? In order to effectively communicate with anyone of any age you have to speak their language.

So, what…does a newborn human baby “speak”? What is their “language”? Pretty much, yeah, they have that same thing going on that Chinese does in that one word can mean many things, right? One “waaa” can mean, “I’m cold!” One “waaa” can mean, “I want you to hold me!” and so forth. But, really, the way to communicate with a newborn is not with speech.

Imagine this. You’re the mother of a 6 week old baby and you are going back to work. You hold up a sign with the full written details of how the child’s life is about to change. Will they be able to read it? Will they be “communicated with”? No. Obviously not.

How about you sit them down and fully explain the reasons for this change in their life. Will they receive that communication and understand that? Right.

Try using either technique to communicate to them or “teach” them anything? How effective are either methods with a 1 month old? How about even a 6 month old? Pretty much even on up to 1 year they’re not the best with written or verbal “communication”. Yes, verbally they “understand” a lot, but, not “reallllly”. Right?

OK, so, then WHAT is their language? How do they “receive” communication? How do you teach one who is unable to receive communication through their eyes (blind) and unable to be communicated to audibly (deaf)?

Touch.

Just like Helen Keller. The language our babies speak is “touch”.

It’s actually quite cool. God made it easy to “talk” to them. There is very little they ask and very little they need to know, and therefore very little we need to “communicate” with them.

What are those things that we need to be able to communicate to them?

They need to know that they are loved, safe, and that you are there.

Wow, that is easy isn’t it!? And, you don’t have to be highly educated to do it. Even a totally illiterate “native” who doesn’t even wear clothing, and lives out in the jungle somewhere can speak to their newborn. It’s just an awesome system.

They have needs and they say, “waa” sometimes because they are wet, have pooped, have their diaper half way up their butt crack on one side, have an itch, are too hot, or in some other way uncomfortable and you show up and take care of them or at least try to; in that way they learn that way that they are, “loved, safe, and that you are there.”

And, isn’t that what life is all about with God? Isn’t that what we all yearn for? His “presence”? We yearn to know that we are “loved” by Him…that because of that love we are “safe” and that “He is here”!

We all understand also, that heaven will be the eternal unshrouded uninhibited presence of God. We’ll be with Him 24/7! In heaven there will be no doubt that we are, “loved, safe, and that He is there!” Won’t that be awesome!

And, how awesome is it, also, that God chose to call Himself “our Father”. He wrote the Bible and He was the one who designed the marriage relationship and the parent/child relationship to demonstrate to us “Who” He is and how He loves us and relates to us, and inversely how we are to relate to our own children. How awesome is that?!

How cool is it that God made it that our babies come hardwired with a built in language that we can speak to them, too, immediately! We don’t have to wait till they can talk to explain to them that we love them and that they’re safe and that we’re “here” for them. Day one we can communicate to our baby the same thing that for us will be heaven simply by “being there”. Isn’t that awesome!?

In that sense, so little is asked of us as parents. So little. And, yet, it means so much. All we have to “teach” our babies is that they are “loved, safe, and that we are there”.

But, are you getting what I’m going to be getting at yet? Are you sensing where I’m going with this? Same place I always go.

In Isaiah it says that our sin separates us from God. And, separation from God if it endures until we die, ends us up in eternal separation from God which is “hell”. And, somewhere it says that the devil prowls around like a roaring lion looking for someone to devour. Predators, in case you never noticed, usually focus on the young of a herd…especially those who are separated from the herd.

When your baby is set apart or separated from you routinely, what messages do you believe that they are being communicated about their status as being, “loved, safe, and that you are there?”
And, what kind of danger do you think they might actually be in by that “prowling lion”?

When a baby spends half of their day every day, and particularly the scariest part of the day (night time), all alone in another room and cannot feel you and cries out to you and you do not respond to them what is “really” being communicated to them about being, “loved, safe, and that you are there?” Are they learning that they are “loved” by your absence? Are they learning they are “safe” by their solitude? Are they learning that “you are there?” by your absence? What are they really learning?

If the most important person in your life today, say your spouse, told you in a way you understood fully, that they were not there for you, how would that feel and what would that do to your relationship? If all of your attempts to communicate to your spouse and seek their presence went ignored would you feel “loved” by them? And, if they replied to your requests for closeness on a “schedule” of what seemed arbitrary to you (as babies don’t know the difference between 4am and 4pm) how would you feel about your “safety” in the relationship? And, just how might you deal with all this?

What if all of this happened to you with them routinely?

Let’s talk about hell…

What is “hell”? It is a place where God isn’t. It is a place where a person goes to be totally separated from God. God still at least communicates with and is able to be reached by the unsaved on earth, but, once hell is a reality for someone, that’s it. That’s the end. They’re alone.

So…what does “sleep training” really teach your child?

A child who needs only to be communicated with by you that they are, “loved, safe, and that you are there”…suffers intensely by God’s design being separated from you. What a baby would then feel is basically “hell”.

Because after a day or many days of this communication by parents to their babyies… the babies end up sleeping, so many praise this way of communicating to babies and say, “it works!” But, they do not understand what happened in order for it to “work”. They do not understand “why” the baby sleeps. It is not because they have learned “to sleep”. They have learned some very different lessons from your communication thru your withdraw of touch and they have done the only thing they could to be able to cope with what you “told” them.

It used to be called “crib death”. Now it’s more politically correct to call it SIDS. But, you don’t find babies dying alone in their sleep in their car seats or when being rocked on a rocking chair or…where babies do not sleep alone in cribs.

Insanity is sometimes described as doing something over and over that doesn’t work. And, maybe I’m the insane one for continuing to try to educate people on this topic and hearing people argue with me that this is somehow just “my opinion”. But, I think the insane part is this modern day “Westernized Culture” despite ALL of the overwhelming evidence as to its devastating consequences…continuing to do what we do to babies and churches teaching classes on how to raise kids this way claiming it is somehow it is “God’s Way”…

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Reactive Attachment Disorder

What is “RAD” and how do your kids get it?

Attachment Disorder Symptoms

• Superficially engaging & charming
• Lack of eye contact on parents terms
• Indiscriminately affectionate with strangers
• Not affectionate on Parents’ terms (not cuddly)
• Destructive to self, others and material things (accident prone)
• Cruelty to animals
• Lying about the obvious (crazy lying)
• Stealing
• No impulse controls (frequently acts hyperactive)
• Pacing
• Learning Lags
• Lack of cause and effect thinking
• Lack of conscience
• Abnormal eating patterns
• Poor peer relationships
• Preoccupation with fire
• Preoccupation with blood & gore
• Persistent nonsense questions & chatter
• Inappropriately demanding & clingy
• Abnormal speech patterns
• Triangulation of adults
• False allegations of abuse
• Presumptive entitlement issues
• Parents appear hostile and angry

Causes of RAD
Any of the following conditions occurring to a child during the first 36 months of life puts them at risk:

• Unwanted pregnancy
• Pre-birth exposure to trauma, drugs or alcohol
• Abuse (physical, emotional, sexual)
• Neglect (not answering the baby’s cries for help)
• Separation from primary caregiver
• On-going pain such as colic, hernia or many ear infections
• Changing day cares or using providers who don’t do bonding
• Moms with chronic depression
• Several moves or placements (foster care, failed adoptions)
• Caring for baby on a timed schedule or other self-centered parenting

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