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Archive for the ‘Self-Soothing’ Category

Tonight, a lady came to our motel who speaks only Spanish. Although we speak both English and Spanish, in order to communicate with her we had to do what? Speak her language. If you went out onto the street and found an old lady who spoke only Italian and had fallen and couldn’t get up, you’d need to find a translator who spoke what? Italian. Right. That’s pretty much how it is wherever you are, right? In order to effectively communicate with anyone of any age you have to speak their language.

So, what…does a newborn human baby “speak”? What is their “language”? Pretty much, yeah, they have that same thing going on that Chinese does in that one word can mean many things, right? One “waaa” can mean, “I’m cold!” One “waaa” can mean, “I want you to hold me!” and so forth. But, really, the way to communicate with a newborn is not with speech.

Imagine this. You’re the mother of a 6 week old baby and you are going back to work. You hold up a sign with the full written details of how the child’s life is about to change. Will they be able to read it? Will they be “communicated with”? No. Obviously not.

How about you sit them down and fully explain the reasons for this change in their life. Will they receive that communication and understand that? Right.

Try using either technique to communicate to them or “teach” them anything? How effective are either methods with a 1 month old? How about even a 6 month old? Pretty much even on up to 1 year they’re not the best with written or verbal “communication”. Yes, verbally they “understand” a lot, but, not “reallllly”. Right?

OK, so, then WHAT is their language? How do they “receive” communication? How do you teach one who is unable to receive communication through their eyes (blind) and unable to be communicated to audibly (deaf)?

Touch.

Just like Helen Keller. The language our babies speak is “touch”.

It’s actually quite cool. God made it easy to “talk” to them. There is very little they ask and very little they need to know, and therefore very little we need to “communicate” with them.

What are those things that we need to be able to communicate to them?

They need to know that they are loved, safe, and that you are there.

Wow, that is easy isn’t it!? And, you don’t have to be highly educated to do it. Even a totally illiterate “native” who doesn’t even wear clothing, and lives out in the jungle somewhere can speak to their newborn. It’s just an awesome system.

They have needs and they say, “waa” sometimes because they are wet, have pooped, have their diaper half way up their butt crack on one side, have an itch, are too hot, or in some other way uncomfortable and you show up and take care of them or at least try to; in that way they learn that way that they are, “loved, safe, and that you are there.”

And, isn’t that what life is all about with God? Isn’t that what we all yearn for? His “presence”? We yearn to know that we are “loved” by Him…that because of that love we are “safe” and that “He is here”!

We all understand also, that heaven will be the eternal unshrouded uninhibited presence of God. We’ll be with Him 24/7! In heaven there will be no doubt that we are, “loved, safe, and that He is there!” Won’t that be awesome!

And, how awesome is it, also, that God chose to call Himself “our Father”. He wrote the Bible and He was the one who designed the marriage relationship and the parent/child relationship to demonstrate to us “Who” He is and how He loves us and relates to us, and inversely how we are to relate to our own children. How awesome is that?!

How cool is it that God made it that our babies come hardwired with a built in language that we can speak to them, too, immediately! We don’t have to wait till they can talk to explain to them that we love them and that they’re safe and that we’re “here” for them. Day one we can communicate to our baby the same thing that for us will be heaven simply by “being there”. Isn’t that awesome!?

In that sense, so little is asked of us as parents. So little. And, yet, it means so much. All we have to “teach” our babies is that they are “loved, safe, and that we are there”.

But, are you getting what I’m going to be getting at yet? Are you sensing where I’m going with this? Same place I always go.

In Isaiah it says that our sin separates us from God. And, separation from God if it endures until we die, ends us up in eternal separation from God which is “hell”. And, somewhere it says that the devil prowls around like a roaring lion looking for someone to devour. Predators, in case you never noticed, usually focus on the young of a herd…especially those who are separated from the herd.

When your baby is set apart or separated from you routinely, what messages do you believe that they are being communicated about their status as being, “loved, safe, and that you are there?”
And, what kind of danger do you think they might actually be in by that “prowling lion”?

When a baby spends half of their day every day, and particularly the scariest part of the day (night time), all alone in another room and cannot feel you and cries out to you and you do not respond to them what is “really” being communicated to them about being, “loved, safe, and that you are there?” Are they learning that they are “loved” by your absence? Are they learning they are “safe” by their solitude? Are they learning that “you are there?” by your absence? What are they really learning?

If the most important person in your life today, say your spouse, told you in a way you understood fully, that they were not there for you, how would that feel and what would that do to your relationship? If all of your attempts to communicate to your spouse and seek their presence went ignored would you feel “loved” by them? And, if they replied to your requests for closeness on a “schedule” of what seemed arbitrary to you (as babies don’t know the difference between 4am and 4pm) how would you feel about your “safety” in the relationship? And, just how might you deal with all this?

What if all of this happened to you with them routinely?

Let’s talk about hell…

What is “hell”? It is a place where God isn’t. It is a place where a person goes to be totally separated from God. God still at least communicates with and is able to be reached by the unsaved on earth, but, once hell is a reality for someone, that’s it. That’s the end. They’re alone.

So…what does “sleep training” really teach your child?

A child who needs only to be communicated with by you that they are, “loved, safe, and that you are there”…suffers intensely by God’s design being separated from you. What a baby would then feel is basically “hell”.

Because after a day or many days of this communication by parents to their babyies… the babies end up sleeping, so many praise this way of communicating to babies and say, “it works!” But, they do not understand what happened in order for it to “work”. They do not understand “why” the baby sleeps. It is not because they have learned “to sleep”. They have learned some very different lessons from your communication thru your withdraw of touch and they have done the only thing they could to be able to cope with what you “told” them.

It used to be called “crib death”. Now it’s more politically correct to call it SIDS. But, you don’t find babies dying alone in their sleep in their car seats or when being rocked on a rocking chair or…where babies do not sleep alone in cribs.

Insanity is sometimes described as doing something over and over that doesn’t work. And, maybe I’m the insane one for continuing to try to educate people on this topic and hearing people argue with me that this is somehow just “my opinion”. But, I think the insane part is this modern day “Westernized Culture” despite ALL of the overwhelming evidence as to its devastating consequences…continuing to do what we do to babies and churches teaching classes on how to raise kids this way claiming it is somehow it is “God’s Way”…

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I’ve seen on pro-Babywise forums people “mocking” Attachment Parenting by mocking that the parents operate by “feelings” and care about the baby’s “feelings” and listen to the baby’s cues based on their “feelings”. Apparently they do not feel (ha ha) that “feelings” are a good way to make judgments or to base interactions within a relationship. They don’t feel that paying attention to the baby’s “feelings” is really a valid thing to do.

Well…in life…if you think about it, everything has to do with what? Logic? Schedules? Structure? No. Everything has to do with feelings. Check it out:

“You” are in a bad mood so you snap at the check-out girl. Snapping at her gives her a bad day at work and she grumbled and growls at the rest of her customers. She goes home and snaps at her husband who in turn snaps at her which makes her more unhappy and when her baby wakes up that night she is very mean to him.

“Bob” finds out his wife is cheating on him. Hurt and angry Bob goes to the bar, gets toasted and drives his car. He gets to an intersection and runs a red light right into an oncoming mini-van.

The problems in these two stories are centered around what? Failed schedules? Bad sleep habits? No. They were all centered around bad feelings.

You “feel” in a bad mood and snap at someone. That makes the person snapped at “feel” bad and in turn pass that “feeling” on to others. The check-out lady goes home and spreads that “feeling” on to her husband who now also “feels” bad and then when her baby awakens and wants love from mom she doesn’t “feel” like it and the baby ends up not “feeling” so good, either.

Bob “feels” hurt by his wife’s infidelity and his overwhelming feelings lead him to so somewhere where he can wallow in those “feelings” which leads him to make decisions which not only hurt other people’s “feelings” but possibly their lives.

Think about it! If a girl “feels” happy about being pregnant does she abort?
If a country’s president “feels” good about another country does he go to war?
If a man “feels” happy and content with life does he go out and rape and murder?
If a person “feels” satisfied with their relationship do they have affairs?
If your child “feels” like you love them do they get depressed and start using drugs?
If a child “feels” like they enjoy school they do their homework and apply themselves to studies.
If a man “feels” angry and full of rage he pulls out a gun and shoots the person who pulls out in front of him on the road.

Do I need to go on?

It’s all about feelings. It really is. It’s not at all about schedules. It’s not at all about sleeping 8 hours straight at night.

Some parents allow their children to spend long periods of time crying-it-out…crying all alone in their cribs in order to “learn to sleep” as though this is a life-skill necessary for their future. But, certainly there are many criminals who sleep a full 8 hours each night who are still criminals. Certainly there are unhappily married couples who sleep all night each night but are still feel unhappy. Certainly there are depressed teenagers who end up committing suicide but were “taught” this skill of sleeping as an infant and even “now” still sleep a full 8 hours uninterrupted each night but are nonetheless feeling depressed.

There is no “skill” to sleeping. One sleeps because they are tired.

Reality is that the only thing that is truly “taught” when a child is “taught to sleep” is that no matter how hard they cry out about whatever it is that’s buggin’ them; no one is coming. Crying out does no good. They can’t change their circumstances in life. Give up. Quit trying. You’re alone and on your own! (Please see the tab at the top on “1st Year” and read about studies done on “Learned Helplessness”)

And, what do you suppose all of those “lessons learned” can lead to in a 2yr old? A young child? A teen? An adult?

Could a child who is “sleep trained” and is consistently ignored when they cry out possibly have trouble with trust? With communication? Could this lead them to have temper tantrums out of the built-up anger inside of not being “listened to”? (aka “terrible two”) What about teenagers? Isn’t their #1 complaint in life that “grown-ups don’t understand me…no one listens to me”? Why would a teenager feel misunderstood and not listened to? And, what about the adult who was sleep-trained to just “deal with things” on their own and go to sleep when they had a need? How well will they communicate with their spouse someday when they desire closeness? If they feel the slightest rejection from their spouse will they continue to “cry out” to them or will they just “suck it up” and “self soothe” and just go to sleep?

Everything in life has to do with feelings and communication. Communicating your desires. Communicating your needs. Communicating everything and dealing with your feelings. That should make teaching our babies how to communicate and how to express and handle their feelings our #1 priority in parenting. Any parental guidance teachings that falls short of teaching proper and effective communication to our children should be abandoned.

All of the world’s problems are caused by bad feelings and miscommunication. Happiness and good times come thru good feelings. You want your child to grow up to be happy and healthy don’t “teach them to sleep”…don’t “teach them that they can’t always have their own way” (and purposely ignore them when they cry out). Respond to your baby every time they cry out to you according to their cry and teach them how to communicate what’s on their minds and hearts effectively and you will ensure that they are not bottling up their sad or angry feelings to come out at a later date possibly all at the same time…possibly never to come up and instead eat your child alive from the inside out the rest of their life.

Think about it. Read thru some of the links on the side as well. There is much data out there to support this. You don’t want to raise an Ezzo baby.

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“Self-Soothing” and God

If you feel sad…who are you…Biblically…supposed to “cry out” to? To God. And, what will He do? He’ll be there, right?

What are you NOT supposed to do when you’re sad? Do the “new age” thing of “looking inside yourself”…right? You’re not to look to yourSELF for comfort, right? Nor, are you to look to “material” things…or to say a “bottle” of beer, true?

What about when you’re scared? Biblically? What are you to do? Who are you to cry out to and what will He do? Will He hear you? Will He care? Will He respond? If you’re afraid, what are you NOT supposed to look to for strength and help?

How about when you’re just feeling lonely? Biblically…who are you to look to? Who are you to “cry out” to? And, what will He do in response?

What about if you need “strength”? What about if you feel “uncomfortable” with your life? What about if you have “pain”? What if you just feel like you need love? WHO are you to cry out to? WHO are you to look to? Biblically…to God, right?

Biblically, are you ever supposed to look to “yourself” for comfort when you’re sad…scared…lonely…weak…uncomfortable or in pain? NO! Looking to ourSELVES is what gets us into…what? TROUBLE. Right.

THEN WHY WHY WHY WHY??? WHY??? DO “Christian” parents…who are instructed to “train up their children IN THE WAY THEY SHOULD GO”…WHY…do they fall for the evil “doctrine” of “self-soothing”…WHY…do we not see that leaving our babies alone to “cry-it-out” only only only teaches them after they realize that they are ALONE…to look “within”…to look “to themselves”…for comfort? Why do we not see how really wrong that whole old-wives-tale we Western Cultures people have been sucked into is?

Christian parents…you need to treat your children like small PEOPLE…people who look to you for guidance in how they should go when they are old…WILL YOUR CHILDREN look outside themselves believing that their comfort will come from an all loving Parent…or do they “self-soothe”…have they been trained that no matter how hard they cry or how long…that no one is coming…that they are…ALONE…and that they must look within themselves for their comfort? That their strength…their comfort…their relief of pain or fear…comes from within…and from whatever material thing they have control over (blanket, pillow, bottle)…

They are not “just babies” they are small people who WILL NOT FORGET the lessons they learn in their cribs…

Science has learned that the human brain is a “relational” organ that prospers in healthy relation with others…and it withers and dies in solitude…Romans 1 says that everything that’s made reveals to us how God is…The whole concept of “self-soothing” is Biblically wrong…and biologically hazardous…please…please…if you are a new or future parent…think about this…and follow your God-given instincts and biology and respond to that little person when they cry out to you…and someday after they have full confidence in your presence…you can pass that “baton” on to God…and they will fully trust Him because you trained them up in that way that they should go…

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Growing Kids “God’s Way?”

If I knew that looking out into my future that every time “it was dark” and I was “at my most vulnerable and defenseless”…that…I would be “on my own”…that God would leave me to handle whatever came my way on my own…that if I was uncomfortable, in pain, scared, or just craving His presence, that if I cried out to Him that He would NOT come…to “teach me how to handle things w/out Him”…I’d not even want to go into my future I’d want to die because it would be terrifying. I’d never want to take any chances…all I’d want to do “is sleep”…

To think that I might cry out to Him for whatever reason and He’d ignore me? Isn’t that what manna was all about to teach us to never think we can do it on our own? How do we teach that to our kids before they can speak? How do we teach our kids even from day one to NEVER lean on their own understanding…never to depend on themselves to always look outside themselves and specifically to God…And, how do we show them that no matter what that God IS there?

I believe our current culture of “independent” people who do not look to God testifies to what this popular teaching in the last 50 years has done to our entire culture. That to leave our children to cry and not attend to “teach them to be independent” does just that. It them leads them to look “inside themselves” as the only source of constancy and safety…the only one they can truly trust…which is one of the biggest things that’s led people away from God in the USA…the foundation of “New Age Thinking”…

FAR from “Growing Kids God’s Way”…this is “Growing Kids Away From God”…

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